Copyright (c) 1997 Carlton Hommel notelrac@notelrac.com http://www.notelrac.com This is a chapter from _Star & Away_, a boy-meets-girl novel set on Star Island. This chapter will, sadly, end up being deleted from the final MS, so I make it available here. I'm sure that you'll recognize yourself and your friends in the stereotypes below... If you enjoy this, you might also like http://www.notelrac.com/family.dir/daddy.dir/ *************** The Star Island LRY Conference Business Meeting Wednesday, June 29, 1987 Mary Jane Hancock, Recording Secretary 8:30 AM Opening Remarks by Acting Chairman, Wendy [Moscone] Hello, and welcome to this most important part of our conference, the Business Meeting. The Business Meeting has a long and honorable tradition... [ Ooh, ick. I'm not going to bother transcribing everything the Token Twit says. It isn't going to be any more interesting than anything else she ever says. Honestly, I don't know what Sam sees in her. ] +CRACK+ [ Wendy dug up this enormous gavel from somewhere. What a laugh. At least she's not wearing most of her makeup this morning. Maybe someone dumped it in the ocean. ] Wendy: I now officially open the 1977 LRY/Star Island business meeting. Robert's Rules of Order will be in effect. We have a busy agenda, but I'm confident that we can get through it by lunchtime. Let's all introduce ourselves! I'm Wendy. [ As if we hadn't figured it out by now. This is not only shorthand but also in French, so it's not as if I'm not worried about anyone else reading this.] Sam: I'm Sam. [ Everyone else is naming off. There are about 25 people here. I recognize about half of them. Ted's bratty kid sister is next to me, George is at 3:00 next to some naif birdie with long hair. I'll name anyone who says anything important. Oh, wait. Cris and two of his friends from Lynnham just plopped down across from us. I wonder if he'll try and pull the same shit he did last year? ] Wendy: Now, our first order of business is Cris: I move we adjourn. [ That answers that question... ] Wendy: What? Cris: I move we adjourn. Wendy: We can't adjourn, we just started! [ Thea just turned to the girl next to her, and said "She shouldn't have said that." I agree - but what else would you expect from a TT? ] Cris: Point of order! Wendy: What? Cris: Point of order, Madame Chair? Wendy: Huh? Cris: You can't discuss my motion until it's seconded. Wendy: Oh. Well, is there a second? [Thea to oh... right. That's Linsey ] She shouldn't have done that, either. She should have just ruled the motion out of order. [ Sam overheard Thea, and now he's grinning too. ] Someone: Second [ I just interrupted to find out that was David, one of the people from Cris' group. I'm not going to mention my questions like this in the future. ] Wendy: OK, we have motioned and seconded... motion to adjourn. [ Oh, boy. Where's a rocket scientist when you need one. ] Now Cris, why do you want to adjourn? Cris: Point of order! Wendy: Huh? Cris: The motion to adjourn is not debatable. Wendy: Oh. Well, let's have a voice vote. All in favor? [Cris, David, and two or three others] Against? Good. The motion fails. Now, on to our first agenda item. We... Cris: I move that we recess. David: Second! Linsey: David, stop encouraging him! Wendy: It is moved and seconded that we recess. Thea: Point of order! Wendy: You, too? Thea: You can't make a motion to recess unless you specify a time when you will reconvene. Cris' motion is not valid. Wendy: Great. Cris, your motion is out... Cris: I move to amend my previous motion to state, 'I move that we recess until Monday July 3 at 3:00 PM.' Gary: Second. Wendy: OK, it has been moved and seconded that we recess until Friday. All in... [ That was a mistake. You don't amend an improper motion, you throw it out and try again. ] Cris: Point of order! Wendy: What? Cris: We haven't had any discussion yet. While a motion to adjourn is not debatable, a motion to recess is. Wendy: Oh. All right. Who wants to talk to the issue? Raise your hands. Rebekah: I think it's a good idea. It's a nice foggy morning. I'd rather be out collecting starfishes, seaweed, and sea urchins. Stephen: No, let's get this over with now. Cris: The primary purpose of the Business meeting is to elect next year's Conference Chair and select two members for the NERO Advisory Committee. Last year, it was at the end of the conference, after we had gotten a whole week to get to know people. [ Agreement noises from the crowd.] Wendy: We considered that when we were making up the schedule for this week. But Cris: Point of order! Wendy: Can't you let me finish my sentence?!? [ Cris is getting to her. Good for him. ] Cris: No, that is what my point of order is about. You're the Chair, you aren't allowed to talk while running the meeting. [ Wendy just looked at Sam. He nodded back. ] Wendy: Shaz isn't here to explain his schedule. George, could you? George: We tried to have it next week, but couldn't fit it in. The Banquet, the Talent Show, the Awards Ceremony, the fireworks, the photo shoot, the Whale Watch - there just wasn't time enough to squeeze it in, given the way that these meetings tend to drag on. Especially when you're around, Cris. So, we thought we'd get it out of the way early in the week. Wendy: Any further discussion? Well, then... Thea: I move to amend the amendment to Cris's amendment, to say, 'I move that we recess until Monday July 3 at 8:00 AM.' Cris: Wow! Second! Wendy: It has been moved and seconded that... whatever she just said. [ I just pointed out to Wendy that I exist and am performing the one task she can't take away from me, by telling her exactly what is on the floor. Twit. ] Wendy: Discussion? Thea: Well, if we start early enough, we can get finished. Gary: Not unless Cris sleeps late! Cris: I call the question! Wendy: OK. So, the vote is to recess until next Monday at 8:00 AM. All in favor? Opposed? The nays have it. Now, our first order of business... Cris: Point of order! Wendy: What! Cris: We still have my motion on the table. Wendy: We do not. We just voted it down. Thea: He's right. We voted down my amendment. We still have his amendment, and then his motion. Except if the vote for his amendment fails, you can rule the motion out of order, and get on with the meeting. [ Thea gets a round of applause. Oh, my. Cris has a moonstruck look in his eyes... ] Wendy: Any further discussion on Cris's motion? David: Which one was that? Wendy: I forget. Cris: To recess until 3. Wendy: Right. Any further discussion? Linsey: Call the question Wendy: All in favor? Opposed? Motion to amend fails. Chair rules original amendment out of order. [ Cheers from the crowd ] Now, before we get to our first item of business, I think we need to do something first. Chair will entertain motions for a parliamentarian. Karin: How about Danny? Cris: Point of Order! Wendy: [ I think I will transcribe that as "Grrr". ] Cris: We don't have a motion on the floor. You can't discuss who is going to be the parliamentarian without a motion. Wendy: Fine. I move that Cris: Point of Order! Wendy: Now what! Cris: You can't make motions, you're the Chair. Wendy: Will SOMEBODY please make a motion? Caroline: I so move. Cris: Point of Order! Wendy: Go on, let's get this over with. Cris: This action isn't on the agenda. Therefore, we need a 2/3 vote to perform this action before the scheduled agenda items. [ I think he's making that up. But Wendy has made it quite clear how much help she wants in running this Con from little 'ol me. ] Wendy: Right. Then I mo.... You can't catch me a second time. Stephen: I move that we put this item on the agenda. David: Second Cris: Call the Question! [ Thea just had a case of the giggles. Cris is grinning like mad, too. I think I know what they are up to. This ought to be good... ] Wendy: All in favor? Against? I think we have the 2/3's. Now, would anyone like to make a certain motion? Peter: I move that we appoint a parliamentarian. Cris and Thea, simultaneously: Point of Order! [ Oh, my. That got his attention. Someone else stealing his fun. ] Wendy: In stereo, now? Yes, Thea. Thea: We just voted to add an item to appoint a parliamentarian to the end of the agenda. Which at this rate, we should reach ohhh, about the year 1987. If we want one now, we have to try again. So, I move that we suspend the agenda to entertain a motion to allow a motion to appoint a parliamentarian now. Cris & David: Second! Linsey: Call the question. [ Oh, my. What a transcription challenge. How about... ] Wendy. Izbeenmovdnsecnd. Alnfavor? Opposed? Motion passes. THE CHAIR WILL NOW ENTERTAIN A CERTAIN MOTION! Cris: Sure. You don't have to yell. I move that the meeting empower the Chair to appoint a parliamentarian. David: Second! Cris: I call the question. Wendy: But we haven't discussed it yet! Cris: OK, I withdraw my calling. [Thea->Linsey] He can't withdraw it like that. We will now discuss who should be our Parliamentarian. Cris, how about you? [ Laughter ] [Cris stands and bows] With all due respect, Madame Chair, I respectfully decline. [Thea->Linsey] Why'd he do that? [Linsey->Thea] Cris has three passions in life. Winning wargames, striking out with girls, and scrambling LRY business meetings. [Thea->Linsey] Wargames? Neat. Fred: How about you, Stephen? Stephen: No way. I had to be the parliamentarian at the WinterCon NERO meeting. 16 hours over two days. Never again. [Wendy just whispered something to Sam. Off he goes. Always running errands for her. ] Wendy: George, how about you? George: I'll give it a shot. Wendy: Any other nominations? Will someone call the question? Cris: I did it last time. Someone else do it. Ty: Call the question. Wendy: OK. All in favor of George being the parli... Cris: Point of Order! Wendy: Will you let me finish my sentences! Cris: I can't. If I did, I'd have to kill you. [ Laughter. I don't think Wendy is used to people making fun of her like this. ] Wendy: What's your point of order? Cris: We can't vote for a parliamentarian. Wendy: We can't? Cris: No. We can't. Wendy: No vote? Cris: Absoutely not. Wendy: Indeed? Cris: Quite. Wendy: Ah. Cris: So. [ Gary makes a thumbs-up gesture. ] David: _The Department of Silly Walks_. I'll give it a seven. [ More like _The Cheese Shop_, actually. This is rich. Wendy looks at him. Cris looks back. Wendy taps her foot. Cris starts cleaning his fingernails. Neither is going to give in and speak first. ] Susan: 'For the love of God, Montessori!' Josh: Poe! [ With a little help from my old school... ] Thea: The motion isn't to select a parliamentarian, it is to tell Wendy to appoint whomever you want. Cris: I tried to call the question. But NOOOOOO! You wouldn't let me! Lots of people: Steve Martin! Wendy: This is insane! We don't have these problems back in Ohio! Gary: You don't have Cris back in Ohio, either. [Laughter] Wendy: The motion has been moved and seconded. All in favor David: Point of order! Wendy: Oh my god, it's contagious! Quick, everyone move away from Cris! David: I mean, what are we voting on, anyway? I lost track a while ago. [ I try and read it back, but TT interrupts me. ] Wendy: Motion to let me appoint a parliamentarian so I can MUZZLE that bastard! [Points at Cris] [Thea->Linsey] Oh-oh. She shouldn't have done that. She's in for it now. Cris: [standing] Point of Personal Privilege! Wendy: What? What's that? Cris: That's where, instead of objecting to the way the meeting is being run, I get to object to the behavior of those attending the meeting. Wendy: State your point, you obnoxious troublemaker. Cris: I object to being subjected to name calling by the Chair, and humbly request that the meeting enjoin and direct the Chair to not do it any more. Wendy: What! I don't have to put up with this! [ General laughter. ] George: Better do it. He's right. Someone tossed a bucket of water at him last Convo, and we wasted half an hour running around in circles before finally deciding he was within his rights. Wendy: How about if I apologize, instead? Cris: Can I give you a backrub, too? Wendy: Only if Sam is in the same room watching where your hands go. Don't push it. Cris: Ok. Wendy: Thank you. Now, back to the vote. Cris: Wait a minute. Wendy: Yes? Cris: You haven't apologized yet. [ I'm impressed. It took me two hours of vamping Sam night before last to get Wendy this steamed. She counts to ten on her fingers. She pulls off her sandals and counts her toes, too. Hee hee. ] Wendy: Cris, I apologize for calling you names, and I will strive my UT-most, despite the provocation you so fah-REE-lee offer, to keep from doing it again. Cris: With sugar on top? Wendy: [glare] Cris: I accept. David: Could someone remind me what we're voting on? I forgot again. Linsey: Motion to let Wendy appoint a parliamentarian so that we can shut Cris up. Cris: Hey! Wendy: All in favor? Opposed? Passes unanimously. [ Sam returns, holding a little blue book. ] Wendy: Thank you. I hereby appoint George. George, here is they symbol of your office. [ George shows the title, ROBERT'S RULES OF ORDER ] Wendy: Now try and get away with something. [ Cris smiles toothily. ] Wendy: I don't believe this. We've wasted an hour, and gotten absolutely nothing accomplished. Gary: We're doing pretty good! Last SummerCon, it took us 2 hours to get absolutely nothing accomplished! Wendy: Right. Let's roll up our sleeves and get started. Our first agenda item is Cris: Point of order! Wendy: Go on. I don't care. We've got the book now. Cris: I call the quorum. Wendy: Can he do that? George: Let me check. [ He flips through the book. The natives are getting restless. ] George: Yes, I'm afraid so. [He just read something I'm not going to bother to transcribe. ] Wendy: All right, the Chair will count. Cris: Point of order! [ My hand is tired, I'm running out of paper, and I'm getting bored. More nonsense about selecting independent tellers. [ OK, everyone has decided that Cris is wrong. Wendy counts 35 warm bodies. I tell her we have 125 registrations. Of course, we only have 108 on-island, but she didn't ask that. Either way, we have 10%. ] Wendy: Right. We have a quorum. Now our first agenda item is [ Oh, she's loosening up. She leans forward and cups her ear in Cris's direction, waiting to hear those three words. Cris covers his mouth with his hands. ] To elect the conference chair for Star '78. The Chair will now entertain nominations. [ Various people are nominated and either accept or decline. I'll list them when nominations close. ] Thea: I nominate Cris. [ Lots of laughter. ] Cris: Thank you very much, but I am ineligible under NERO rules. I'm already the ChairThing for SummerCon in August. Hope you've all sent in your registration! [ A few more people. Cris nominates me. Hmmm. Nominations are closed. ] Nominated and accepted: Me, Harry, Ty, Rebekah, Stephen, Josh, and Elizabeth. Gary and David are nominated, but fail for want of a second. Cris: Point of Order! Wendy: Yes, Cris. What is it. Cris: I'm concerned about the eligibility requirements for one of the candidates. Wendy: Eligibility requirements? [Oh! I know what he's driving at. Maybe I can distract him... ] Cris: Yes. Much as I respect MJ, and feel that she would help create an excellent conference, she lives in Canada. So, she doesn't belong to LRY. Well, she does, but it's the wrong one. Wendy: Huh? Cris: There are two LRYs. One for the US, one for Canada. Membership on the Star/LRY Board and Conference Chairmanships aren't open to Canada-LRY members. [ No. David and Gary are panting and their pants are bulging, but Cris was staring right at me and didn't even notice. Humph. ] Wendy: Oh. I see. George, is that true? George: Um, It isn't a NERO Rules question, it is a LRY Continental Regulations question. Hold on, I'll go dig up a copy from the files. [ Time passes. Sam and Cris amuse the crowd by telling tales of disastrous LRY conferences past. ] George: Yep, he's right. MJ, I'm afraid you're going to... Cris: Madame Chair, I move that the meeting suspend the current order of business in order to amend the Bylaws so as to allow Canadian Citizens to run for office! Wendy: Can he do that? George: Um, I'll have to check. And it's almost lunch time. David: Move to recess until after lunch. Cris: Around two. Just about everyone: SECOND! Wendy: [whams that humongous gavel again, almost hitting my foot. ] See you then! *** [ After this morning, I'm running out of steam. I'm only going to transcribe the good parts. Cris is now sitting next to Thea. ] George: Cris is wrong. LRY is a continental organization, created by the merger of the Universalist and Unitarian Youth organizations, both of which were continental in scope. Therefore, MJ is eligible. Summary of campaign speeches and conference themes: Me - Effect of cross-cultural differences on interpersonal relationships Linsey - Work with the Insitute on effects of pollution on society Ty - Some jock athletic stuff Rebekah - Masks and their effects on long-term relationships Stephen - Improving society through deciphering rules and regulations Josh - Unleashing everyone's potential through better education Elizabeth - Dance and movement workshop stuff It's pretty clear who's going to win from the questions. We wander off while they cut us to shreds. The seven of us shoot the bull about how to avoid the mistakes Wendy's making. The election is held. No surprise, Rebekah wins. Asks the rest of us to work on the committee. Again no surprise. She seems pretty together. Next agenda item: what to do with the surplus from this year's conference. Suggestions are to roll it over for next year, a scholarship for next Star, or pass along to other NERO cons. Linsey suggests something new - Amnesty International. Cris keeps bolluxing things up. Every time he does something, George spends two or three minutes flipping through the book. Cris wins. George wins. Cris wins. Cris wins again. He must have that little book memorized. Oh, dear. Someone just annoyed Georgie a bit too much, and he quit. Wendy: Now what are we going to do? Cris: We could adjourn until Friday. Wendy: [ shucks. She was about to yell at him again. ] Was that a motion, Cris? Cris: Nope. Already tried that once. Linsey: I nominate Thea for parliamentarian! Thea: Who, me? I'll try. [ Thea gets up from between Cris and Linsey, and sits next to TT. ] Ho hum. More battles. Thea at least seems to know where in the book to find things. It's taking her a lot shorter time to beat Cris off. Thea wins. Cris wins. Thea wins without using the book. Thea wins. Wow. Thea wins again. Oh, this is great theatre. Let me put it down... Wendy: Ha! Our side has the advantage now! Cris: [shakes his head, stands up] "I am smiling, but you cannot tell under my mask. You see, I am not left handed either! [ Ho ho. He just pulled out his own copy of Robert's Rules. ] Gary: I didn't catch that. Anyone know what he's stealing from now? Elizabeth: _Princess Bride_. Good book. [ And the battle is rejoined. At this point, no one really cares about where the surplus goes, we're all watching two masters at work. Good thing it started drizzling, or people would find more entertaining things to do. ] Cris. Thea. Cris. Cris. Cris. Thea. Cris. And after five minutes of citations, Cris again. Hmmm. Thea just whispered something to Wendy. Cris: Point of Personal Privilege! [ Wendy is ignoring him, and calling on someone else. ] Cris: Madame Chair! Madame Chair! [ Ty has the floor, and is talking in favor of giving the money to the next NERO con - Summer's End. ] Cris just did a cartwheel into the center of the room. Now he's jumping up and down yelling, "Point of Personal Privilege! Point of Personal Privilege!" Wendy: [looks at Thea ] Now what? Can I ignore him? Thea: Sorry. He knows about this after all. If you ignore him, you have to listen to him try and tie us up in knots. On the other hand, you can't tell him to behave himself and not disrupt the meeting, either. If you try and issue a gag order, you have to officially recognize him - in which case his point of personal privilege takes precedence. [ Oh, my word! Cris is doing a striptease. The crowd is providing an off-key accompaniment. ] Wendy: Yes, Cris. What is your point this time? [ Cris won that one, too. Thea. Cris. Cris. And Cris again. He has them on the run, I think. ] [ Oh, dear. I think Wendy is about to break down and start crying. She's a twit, but... ] Wendy: We're licked. I'm going to have to cancel all the workshops! We'll be stuck with *him* in Buisness Meeting Hell for the rest of the week! We're doomed! Doomed, I tell you! Thea: Maybe not. I just had a thought. [ Looks something up ] Aha! Thea: Madame Chair, I move that we convene a Committee of the Whole, for the purpose of conducting the remaining business on the agenda! [ Oh, my - some great acting by Cris here. He just took the center of the circle. ] Cris: No! Don't motion that! Not the Commitee of the Whole! AAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!!!!! I'm melting! [ He's crouching down now. ] Curse you, you meddlesome brat! You've destroyed all my beautiful wickedness! AAAAAaaaaaaaaaah! [ He's collapsed on the floor. Oh, wait. He just poked his head out. ] Cris: Second! Thea: A Commitee of the Whole doesn't operate under Robert's Rules. If he acts up again, we can pick him up and dump him in the ocean. George: Thank you. Thank you, Dorothy. Business meetings in the land of OZ will never be the same again. [ Thea walks over to Cris and nudges him with her toe. ] Thea: Can I have his broomstick? [ Cris snickers and waggles his copy of RR. Thea bends over and takes it. He stands, takes her hand and they take a curtain call to much applause. ] David: A perfect 10! [ Gary made a thumbs up gesture. ] [ Well, that should speed things up. ] Resolved: Give surplus funds to Summer's End. Conference will take color pictures as well as b&w. Whale watching rental voted down. Those two are awfully cute. Every time Cris opens his mouth to say something, Thea says something like 'Winged Monkeys' or 'Auntie Em' or 'Surrender Dorothy!' and they both break into combustible giggling. Cris declines office of Official Court Jester. Told to stop taking annoying pictures. Next meeting set for Star Island next June, 1978. Wendy given round of applause for grace under pressure. Meeting adjourns. We're out of here!